Some thinspo and stuff

To lighten up the background of my seldom updates: Two moths ago, my mom found out about my ED and we ended up having a hell of a fight. For the record, I'm a person whose emotions are easily affected, and mom mangaed to make me cry and feel so, so guilty, that in the middle of all the fight she made me promise that I tell my therapist and seek for more help. So, I told my therapist - she said that if I want to, she can arrange something with my doctor. She said that since I'm not a minor, I don't have to do anything or go anywhere unless I want to, but she recommented that I'd take a look, meet some people and then see how I feel. That didn't sound that bad - I can drop off whenever I want, and just stick with the theraphy and my other problems.
So now when my entrance exams are over, I had to go to lab to get some bloodwork and EKG done, and two weeks ago I received an invitation to ED-clinic. They sent a punch of papers and test to fill, but I'm not gonna do those until the 6th of July, the appointment takes place on 7th.
I'm slightly scared, but I think I can check it out, and then decide what to do.

To make it clear: I'm not ready to recover, or whatever that bullshit is called. If I go for it, it's only more lies and denial. I'm not gonna do something I don't want to just because my family/friends want. Those times are long gone.

I don't know if it's because of all this, but my relationship to food is getting more and more complicated - one day I was sure that food was going to kill me if I had to eat. I managed to talk myself to eat a bit, because I was alone at work. If I pass out at work, things get difficult, so I have to hang on.
And then, on last Friday and Saturday I binged a waaaaay too much, and since then I've gone back to eating only to stay up till sleeptime. My measurements are going down, but the scale moves about half a pound in 2 weeks, which is frustrating..

Today I've been only hunting for some thinspo, just to keep myself distracted from going nuts.. LOL.

this picture is really beautiful, imao.

Love, Nikki

Sorry I've been absent

Hmm, I haven't been blogging for a while. This is gonna be a long entry, not compulsory to read.





So, last Friday I saw that other doctor again - the one who mumbles and gives me meds without any compassion. He surprised me this time, he listened and asked reasonable and proper questions. (the reason I went to meet him was my ed and especially to ease mom's mind) He sent me to have a complete bloodwork and EKG done, and he told me that he'll have to write a request to Ed-clinic about my case. I really disagree that he said I can't be trusted and he actually told me to gain at least 4 pounds before my entrance exam! "Think a pound as a one point, you need to have 4 points to get in, so that's 4 pounds" .. I got upset about that and other things he said.

Later that night I went out with my friends, it was fun then: I came alone and when I was about to show my ID to the guard on the door, he said that "You don't have to, I remember you" And I didn't have to pay anything either! In the club, two random boys bought me sparkling wine, so I didn't have to pay for my drinks either.. lol, I danced two hours with my friends. Fine night all together.

On Saturday my brother had his graduation party, it wasn't so cool, because all my relatives were watching when I ate and it was embarrassing, I actually felt like throwing up all the time. Then a friend came by, and she pretty much ruined my mood when she told me that all the other girls had gossiped and scandalized my situation last night - they were only faking innocent when I had arrived. They had had an argue whether they should call my parents or just talk to me! ...I'm still so mad. I sent a txt message to the girl who had started the conversation and told her that if she wants to talk behind my back, fine, but could she please stop talking bullshit about things she has no idea about I get angry when I even try to think about it. My therapist said that my friends must have boring life, if they have to talk shit about me all the time.

LOL I must be more famous I knew.



And I'm mad to my therapist too. I don't wanna meet her this week again. On Monday she didn't ease my upset feelings at all, she said many things about my ed that are not true, and she didn't understand my attempts to explain.

Why now? Why everyone are so worried now? I've been this weight before, and no-one said a thing. No one was interested when I had my emo-season, or when I did SI for 3 years, when I did drugs and messed around with boys. But now, when everything is better, they get worried? Hypocrites much? GRRR I'm mad right now!!

I wanna yell to people and throw things towards them, and tell them I hate them when they treat me like this.

* * *

Today I've been okay. Well, I went to hospital in the morning to get the bloodwork done. The nurse took 5 pipes (I don't know if that's the word for those things but..) of blood from me, and I felt really dizzy and weak afterwards, at least my EKG wasn't high at any rates.. I had to go to grocery store right after that, because my family is away all week and I had to buy some supplies. It was fun to buy only those things I wanted to, and plan all my meals Today I've been studying and sunbathing, soon I'm gonna watch Hurt Locker, I have some cider and I'm planning to slice two carrots and have a delicious dip-sauce with them.

Faceless one

haven't studied as much as I would have liked. I've had morning shifts at work and they interrupt my daily routine, because I usually work evenings only. I can't cope with days when I wake up at seven as usual, but can read only hour or two and then go to work. And when I come home, I can read only another one/two hours before going to sleep, and those late hours are useless because my ability to concentrate is not the same than it'd be during morning/day.

I have been really good with my low-carb-diet, I haven't been nauseous at all in two days, and it's almost odd how I'm not hungry all the time. I guess I didn't realize how bad all those extra carbs were messing with my system. I also lost that pound in one day, that article was right about the gain being water-weight. Seriously, 1 gram of carbs can bind 4 grams of water. .. I wish I had been wiser years ago and maybe my body would have suffered from my disorder even a little bit less. But as they say, wisdom comes with age.. and damage is hard to make undone.

Sigh.. I'm so tired and empty at the moment. I'm scared to see my friends, they have gotten really mean over my appearance. I know I've lost a lot of weight after July and especially November - but those six months before last July were my healthiest period in years.

Anyway, they really needn't to be so mean. I attended into a movie night last Friday and when one of the girls said that "could we make some food, I'm so hungry I'm starving!", another girl stood up, glared me and before walking out of the room said "Well.. someone here IS starving." .. thanks for the extra attention.

Sorry, again I'm tired and feeling bitchy. Soon it gets dark enough and I can take my melatonin

Today I studied at library only 4 hours and at home about 3 and half. I feel I haven't done anything, but that's not true. I cleaned my room too, washed the floor and wiped all the dust, washed all cat's equipments etc. Why I still feel useless? Scale hasn't moved in three days, it kills me for sure.

Only Fool's hope

It's been eventful day - and totally different from what I planned. .. and sorry for possible, multiple grammar mistakes, painkillers and melatonin are messing up my head

I met my therapist as early as 10am, so I didn't have time to study in the morning. We talked about dreams and how my melatonin works, she asked about my studies and we ended talking about my disability to receive and more likely ask help. That wasn't too uncomfortable topic, all and all pretty talkable subject.

After that I was about to go in library to read for next 5 hours before I'd go to work. I called my friend to ask what place she would recommend, but she didn't answer and send an sms to explain that she was in a lesson and unable to pick up. I was like 'umm why are you at school, you are supposed to have morning shift at work?' and she replied that 'no.. I have evening' and I was like 'no.. my calendar says that I have evening, so who the hell is gonna open the store up in 40min?"

Then a terrible thought crept in my mind, What if I had mark my shift wrong and I was the one who should open?

I still can't believe what call of destiny had lead me in central railway station, right where the bus to work leaves, just that moment, because when I started running, I knew that the only bus would leave in 2 minutes, and I would be in deep trouble if I didn't make it.

I arrived at work just in time, still all confused. Come on, if I had tried to find that library on my own.. Some power in universe had it's hands in this. I made that call just that moment and I just happened to be where the bus was and I was there exactly right time. I had planned to take subway instead, but I didn't. I was there and then.

Well, that was all my good luck at once, next time some good happens will be after several months...

At work I did too much everything and got myself really beaten and sore and everything.. and I'm scared that the constant numbness in my left arm and sudden pains are more than just tensed muscles. I'm terrified I have heart-issues. My fingers got numb like once or twice in hour all day. That pain worries me. I hit my lowest weight this far today, maybe it's dehydration? I've been drinking too much diuretics and too little plain water.

Also food-wise it's been WAY too much carbs today. I've been feeling weak and out of breath all day because of that imbalance. AND I had something 900cals because of that freaking carb-bombed baguette.. Why do I keep eating too many carbs even I know they make me weak and shaky?

Daily nice thing: Sun was shining and the spring- clothes I had ordered 3weeks ago finally came and I was able to wear one today<3

Such a good girl

I decided to apply in law-school once again.

Books were really expensive, I know my parents won't complain because it's for my future, but I'm still slightly embarrassed to make them pay those again.

So this far I have woken up at 7 every morning, tip-toed downstairs to make coffee and slice an apple. Then I get back up in my room, sit down in rocking chair and start reading. When I have something important (and partly interesting) to read, time passes quickly and apart from the apple I have liquid-fasted till 2pm. Too bad I tend to screw up on evenings.. I've eaten like 800-900 cals per day, and I can't be more clear about this one. I HATE family holidays and all that compulsory shitty eating.

..K, back to the books: the easiest topic - criminal law in 2010-decade. That book has lots of familiar terms and things - thank goodness, because the other book "juridical principals of insolvency" seems easy, but it's actually made to trick people to think it's easy, and for real it's complicated. That book I can handle too. But the third one.. why they always make the hardest also the thickest? "an introduction to obligation-law" .. I don't know if that's the correct translation, but anyway.

That book is going to drive me crazy, make me throw things around, trigger me and make me wanna burn it, but damn I'm gonna beat it! I will memorize every single law, principle, authority.. everything.

My motivation goes up and down like maniac, one moment it's up to 100 and second later I'm about to cry and think why am I beating myself to do this again. I have still managed to read 7-5 hours per day, but I have to get that amount up to 6-9.

Oh, and those melatonin-pills I got prescribed. I love them. They hit me like a hammer and last night I fell asleep less than hour after eating one. It simply did shut me down. Love it.

xoxo, Nikki

About life

I've been illegally cold today and intake has been under 400 cals, so that's not gonna warm me up. I'm punishing myself for past two days that went way over 900 and made me gain a pound.

I've exceptionally seen my therapist yesterday and today also, yesterday she apologized for making me so visibly anxious last time, and she said some really nice words to make me talk about stuff. She said that I've been going there for so long, that now would be the time to start talk about those things I don't want to, because there lies the real problem. She's right, but I can't just start talking about things I haven't told anyone about. I need time and more time and.. well, some things I can't even think about, so how could I speak them out?

But last two times she's been nice to me, she has not pushed me at all. I think that today we made some progress again, we didn't talk about eating tough, but stuff that is linked to it anyway.. I don't feel anxious, and that's good.

Only thing I'm really uncomfortable over, is coming Friday and the upcoming evening at my friend's place. I know it will involve eating, but I have pretty good plan which I'm gonna follow and maybe change it depending the foods available.



Oh.. And I should decide tomorrow if I will apply law-school for the third time. The books will be out on April 1st and I should start reading right away. I'm just so, so, so scared that my motivation won't be enough. Last time I studied 7-10hours every day for two months, I learned the books from cover to cover and took lessons too.. and I was 5 points too short when the results came. I'm so scared that it'll just happen again and all the really expensive books and training-course my parents will pay would be for nothing--again.

What I'm gonna do, argh...

But there's a silver lining: I'm not half as anxious as I could be even though my date didn't show up today! he has a drug problem yeah, but that doesn't give him excuses forever!

When your dreams have ended

To make a long story short: My therapist got a clue over my anorexia today, I haven't never mentioned it to her before, but today I said like one word wrong time, and somehow she hold that word and started to bomb me with questions like "Why are you doing it?" "Do you have goal weights?" Do you count calories?" "Do you realise that this might be the reason that meds don't work with you?" "Do you understand that you're harming yourself?" On and on she kept asking and I was totally cornered... I lied the best I could, but she got some truths out as well, tough I don't consider them as important things, which she seemed to do.

She asked me that if we could continue over this matter on Monday too.

I said maybe.

How weak I am? I managed to hid this for an year, others who had treated me, they knew but she didn't and shit.. I'm terrified to go there again. I fear I'm gonna loose it and that will have serious consequenses if it happens. Somehow I should be able to pull myself together and make this look less severe.

Of course I know I'm damaging myself, but she can't understand. No one can, except those who face this fucked up mess every day like I do.

Sorry, I'm a mess

xoxo