Some thinspo and stuff

To lighten up the background of my seldom updates: Two moths ago, my mom found out about my ED and we ended up having a hell of a fight. For the record, I'm a person whose emotions are easily affected, and mom mangaed to make me cry and feel so, so guilty, that in the middle of all the fight she made me promise that I tell my therapist and seek for more help. So, I told my therapist - she said that if I want to, she can arrange something with my doctor. She said that since I'm not a minor, I don't have to do anything or go anywhere unless I want to, but she recommented that I'd take a look, meet some people and then see how I feel. That didn't sound that bad - I can drop off whenever I want, and just stick with the theraphy and my other problems.
So now when my entrance exams are over, I had to go to lab to get some bloodwork and EKG done, and two weeks ago I received an invitation to ED-clinic. They sent a punch of papers and test to fill, but I'm not gonna do those until the 6th of July, the appointment takes place on 7th.
I'm slightly scared, but I think I can check it out, and then decide what to do.

To make it clear: I'm not ready to recover, or whatever that bullshit is called. If I go for it, it's only more lies and denial. I'm not gonna do something I don't want to just because my family/friends want. Those times are long gone.

I don't know if it's because of all this, but my relationship to food is getting more and more complicated - one day I was sure that food was going to kill me if I had to eat. I managed to talk myself to eat a bit, because I was alone at work. If I pass out at work, things get difficult, so I have to hang on.
And then, on last Friday and Saturday I binged a waaaaay too much, and since then I've gone back to eating only to stay up till sleeptime. My measurements are going down, but the scale moves about half a pound in 2 weeks, which is frustrating..

Today I've been only hunting for some thinspo, just to keep myself distracted from going nuts.. LOL.

this picture is really beautiful, imao.

Love, Nikki

Sorry I've been absent

Hmm, I haven't been blogging for a while. This is gonna be a long entry, not compulsory to read.





So, last Friday I saw that other doctor again - the one who mumbles and gives me meds without any compassion. He surprised me this time, he listened and asked reasonable and proper questions. (the reason I went to meet him was my ed and especially to ease mom's mind) He sent me to have a complete bloodwork and EKG done, and he told me that he'll have to write a request to Ed-clinic about my case. I really disagree that he said I can't be trusted and he actually told me to gain at least 4 pounds before my entrance exam! "Think a pound as a one point, you need to have 4 points to get in, so that's 4 pounds" .. I got upset about that and other things he said.

Later that night I went out with my friends, it was fun then: I came alone and when I was about to show my ID to the guard on the door, he said that "You don't have to, I remember you" And I didn't have to pay anything either! In the club, two random boys bought me sparkling wine, so I didn't have to pay for my drinks either.. lol, I danced two hours with my friends. Fine night all together.

On Saturday my brother had his graduation party, it wasn't so cool, because all my relatives were watching when I ate and it was embarrassing, I actually felt like throwing up all the time. Then a friend came by, and she pretty much ruined my mood when she told me that all the other girls had gossiped and scandalized my situation last night - they were only faking innocent when I had arrived. They had had an argue whether they should call my parents or just talk to me! ...I'm still so mad. I sent a txt message to the girl who had started the conversation and told her that if she wants to talk behind my back, fine, but could she please stop talking bullshit about things she has no idea about I get angry when I even try to think about it. My therapist said that my friends must have boring life, if they have to talk shit about me all the time.

LOL I must be more famous I knew.



And I'm mad to my therapist too. I don't wanna meet her this week again. On Monday she didn't ease my upset feelings at all, she said many things about my ed that are not true, and she didn't understand my attempts to explain.

Why now? Why everyone are so worried now? I've been this weight before, and no-one said a thing. No one was interested when I had my emo-season, or when I did SI for 3 years, when I did drugs and messed around with boys. But now, when everything is better, they get worried? Hypocrites much? GRRR I'm mad right now!!

I wanna yell to people and throw things towards them, and tell them I hate them when they treat me like this.

* * *

Today I've been okay. Well, I went to hospital in the morning to get the bloodwork done. The nurse took 5 pipes (I don't know if that's the word for those things but..) of blood from me, and I felt really dizzy and weak afterwards, at least my EKG wasn't high at any rates.. I had to go to grocery store right after that, because my family is away all week and I had to buy some supplies. It was fun to buy only those things I wanted to, and plan all my meals Today I've been studying and sunbathing, soon I'm gonna watch Hurt Locker, I have some cider and I'm planning to slice two carrots and have a delicious dip-sauce with them.