About life

I've been illegally cold today and intake has been under 400 cals, so that's not gonna warm me up. I'm punishing myself for past two days that went way over 900 and made me gain a pound.

I've exceptionally seen my therapist yesterday and today also, yesterday she apologized for making me so visibly anxious last time, and she said some really nice words to make me talk about stuff. She said that I've been going there for so long, that now would be the time to start talk about those things I don't want to, because there lies the real problem. She's right, but I can't just start talking about things I haven't told anyone about. I need time and more time and.. well, some things I can't even think about, so how could I speak them out?

But last two times she's been nice to me, she has not pushed me at all. I think that today we made some progress again, we didn't talk about eating tough, but stuff that is linked to it anyway.. I don't feel anxious, and that's good.

Only thing I'm really uncomfortable over, is coming Friday and the upcoming evening at my friend's place. I know it will involve eating, but I have pretty good plan which I'm gonna follow and maybe change it depending the foods available.



Oh.. And I should decide tomorrow if I will apply law-school for the third time. The books will be out on April 1st and I should start reading right away. I'm just so, so, so scared that my motivation won't be enough. Last time I studied 7-10hours every day for two months, I learned the books from cover to cover and took lessons too.. and I was 5 points too short when the results came. I'm so scared that it'll just happen again and all the really expensive books and training-course my parents will pay would be for nothing--again.

What I'm gonna do, argh...

But there's a silver lining: I'm not half as anxious as I could be even though my date didn't show up today! he has a drug problem yeah, but that doesn't give him excuses forever!

When your dreams have ended

To make a long story short: My therapist got a clue over my anorexia today, I haven't never mentioned it to her before, but today I said like one word wrong time, and somehow she hold that word and started to bomb me with questions like "Why are you doing it?" "Do you have goal weights?" Do you count calories?" "Do you realise that this might be the reason that meds don't work with you?" "Do you understand that you're harming yourself?" On and on she kept asking and I was totally cornered... I lied the best I could, but she got some truths out as well, tough I don't consider them as important things, which she seemed to do.

She asked me that if we could continue over this matter on Monday too.

I said maybe.

How weak I am? I managed to hid this for an year, others who had treated me, they knew but she didn't and shit.. I'm terrified to go there again. I fear I'm gonna loose it and that will have serious consequenses if it happens. Somehow I should be able to pull myself together and make this look less severe.

Of course I know I'm damaging myself, but she can't understand. No one can, except those who face this fucked up mess every day like I do.

Sorry, I'm a mess

xoxo

Here again

I haven't been posting for a while again, I've been lacking motivation to do that. Such a lazy-ass bitch I am, well yesterday I managed to drag myself out of the door and go running for half an hour. I didn't loose strenght from my legs and I was able too keep my heart rate in good area. Maybe that's because I've done 1hour riding practices every day since friday? I gotta start to get my basic strenght better.

My weight-plateu surely did end and this morning I weighed 95,5 lbs which sets me new goal again. I'm slightly scared over the lightheadedness and dizzyness, but I've been trough this before, and I can do it again, I just have to listen my body more carefully. This far I've had 438 cals today, and when I come home from the stables, I think I'm gonna eat something little before going to bed. I'm trying to stay between 400 and 700 cals per day at the moment.

I'm gonna write better post sooner or later, but now I gotta go

No good without bad

I've made great progress weight-wise, I reached my goal weight 97 and almost my second goal 96 as well, I weighed 96,1 this morning, which means that my plateau has ended and I've lost almost 2lbs within a week.

Still, I could be happier. I'm just helpless and somehow empty. My best friend lost her father last weekend and I'm worried sick over her. I wish I could do more, but I've made it clear that I'm here for her when she needs me, but I understand that she wants to be just with her family at the moment. So, I really can't do more than send loving thoughts to her all day long.

My counsellor had helped me with this too, she agreed that there's no reason for me to feel guilty for being happy while my friend is not. And that the best thing I can do is go on with my life and be strong for her. When saddness and such emotions hit me, they did on Sunday and will do in near future, I have to let them in and feel them to the fullest. "Just do as your heart tells you to, think with your emotions, not with your brains when that happens"

Tomorrow I will have not just one but two events that include compulsory eating... I'm not so excited over them. But I've been eating so little for a week now, that the possible gain will not be huge, if I just manage to stay in control over myself. I'm not worried over the restaurant that much, but I'm gonna stay over in my ex-boy's apartment and he'll make me eat whatever he decides to cook. He usually makes healthy and non-greasy stuff tough.
Well, I gotta wait and see.. I hate stressing over such things!

...

This morning was good, I managed to fast till midday and went jogging first thing after I woke up. Weather was beautiful, spring is finally here! Sun was shining and snow has started melting. I took it easy, less than half an hour on total, and running only 10 minutes or so, never can start too carefully, especially because my heart had felt odd last night again.

Then at work a sudden weakness hit me again, I felt dizzy and shaky and had no strenght in my legs. Maybe I should go jogging only on my days off? I'm sure its just the type of exercise suddenly changing that caused this. My intake was pretty exactly 650, so it couldn't be lack of energy.

Tomorrow I'll look how I feel and according that, plan my day.

All and all I feel okay, my slip with SI is still visible, but it's fading and along with it I'm getting better emotionally. I've lost almost a pound in two days, hopefully this progress goes on and I'll get closer to this months goal

hugs, Nikki

Good night turned to bad

That's what seems to happen all the time I decide to go out and sosialice. I had had a bad day at work, headache and joint pains all day. On Friday I had eaten hell loads of food without any reason, so yesterday was also a starving day to make all that ugly gain disappear. I admitted my friend's invitation to go out mainly because it was great opportunity to burn calories and avoid eating. But all that happened was that my friend got drunk and disappeared with some random guy just 20 minutes before we were supposed to go for the last busses. She had ranted to me all night and i didn't really feel that great over the matter. She also remembered to mention "that's because you're anorexic" when I told her that I had been freezing at my second work, that only takes place on Fridays, in that barely over zero temperature. All my co-workers were freezing to and they were normal-weighted.

In the bus at home I sat still, feeling anxious and cold. I hate being cold all the time. When I got home I was so messed up I ended up breaking my 8-month cut-free period. No need to tell how shitty I feel now.

Thank goodness I have my decent work today again, I'll have something to do to take my mind away from.. well, everything.

I have lost a pound in two days, so maybe going out did something good to my body.

Perfect little human wreck

Today I did pretty well. I had to go to work in really short notice, so I had to lie to my counsellor thar I had gotten sick. Money helps me more than theraphy at the moment. There's flue going around and I hope I'm not really getting down with it. At work I felt relly dizzy, and that lightheadedness has bothered me all day.. or maybe my head feels heavy? Now it's more heavy than light by any means.

I went to stables in the morning, went into hall and jumped on my horse, and I really, really tried to hang on an hour, but I couldn't make it. My arms hurt so badly, cause back on Tuesday I did pretty hard training and the horse was pulling the reins all the time. So today I couldn't hold back at all, hell I wasn't almost able to stop her!

I'm feeling irritated over that matter. Guess I have to continue doing push-ups every day to get strenght in my upper arms. Well, now I'll be having at least three horse-free days; plenty of time to regain all strenght.

A couple of days ago, when I was shopping and just mirroring in one fitting-room, when I suddenly took a closer look on my back. My shoulder- and collar bones were really visible, and all other bones over that area stuck out whenever I moved my arms.

It looked like wings were about to burst open from my back. I love that thought. Angels have always had my attention. I'm not religious person, but angels are somehow appealing. I wish I had wings, at least now it looks like I have ones.

... I can't wait to have my own apartment. Mom just burst into my floor without knocking: "do you have that another work tomorrow? Do they have lunch in there?" when I answered that they do, she left. What the hell?

todays intake something like 600. I's lot but..No, I'm not getting depressed over it tonight.

Love, Nikki

The beginning

.. And what's beginning? I think I should light up my background at first.

So, I'm in my 20's and living in Finland, so I apologize for possible typing mistakes. My name is not Nikki of course, but that's the one I'll be using here.

When observing as an outsider, my life seems to be pretty normal; I have two part-time jobs, a horse and a cat, I have couple close friends and plenty of not so close ones. I don't have major problems with my family, I have some kind of plans for my future too. So what's the matter?

I'm not gonna go into details here, I wanna protect my privacy, but something must be explained. I've had serious problems in my relationships with people during all my life. I've been raped twice and otherwise abused. In my early teens I was really insecure about my appearance, cause I was bullied at school for being too good. I have always been the top of my class, and in that very school and class it wasn't a good place to be. When I was 13 I wrote in my diary for the first time "I'm fat" Not that I was, I was already at the lower end of normal, but then it began.

During 7 years I've been sliding from Ednos slowly to Anorexia, and when looking at bmi's, I've been anorexic for 2 years now. My bmi is 16.3 at the moment, and I'm not happy with that at all. I also have severe depression, GAD and tendency for panic attacks.

Everyone keeps telling me how good I look, how pretty and thin I am, they trigger me constantly with their words. Recently some people have started worrying over me, but I think that's understandable, I got triggered really, really bad during a job assignment in December and have lost serious weight since then.

Right now I'm trying to keep on living, eat my meds and stick with my diet the best I can.
Hmh, dunno what else to tell. Feel free to ask.
xoxo, Nikki