haven't studied as much as I would have liked. I've had morning shifts at work and they interrupt my daily routine, because I usually work evenings only. I can't cope with days when I wake up at seven as usual, but can read only hour or two and then go to work. And when I come home, I can read only another one/two hours before going to sleep, and those late hours are useless because my ability to concentrate is not the same than it'd be during morning/day.
I have been really good with my low-carb-diet, I haven't been nauseous at all in two days, and it's almost odd how I'm not hungry all the time. I guess I didn't realize how bad all those extra carbs were messing with my system. I also lost that pound in one day, that article was right about the gain being water-weight. Seriously, 1 gram of carbs can bind 4 grams of water. .. I wish I had been wiser years ago and maybe my body would have suffered from my disorder even a little bit less. But as they say, wisdom comes with age.. and damage is hard to make undone.
Sigh.. I'm so tired and empty at the moment. I'm scared to see my friends, they have gotten really mean over my appearance. I know I've lost a lot of weight after July and especially November - but those six months before last July were my healthiest period in years.
Anyway, they really needn't to be so mean. I attended into a movie night last Friday and when one of the girls said that "could we make some food, I'm so hungry I'm starving!", another girl stood up, glared me and before walking out of the room said "Well.. someone here IS starving." .. thanks for the extra attention.
Sorry, again I'm tired and feeling bitchy. Soon it gets dark enough and I can take my melatonin
Today I studied at library only 4 hours and at home about 3 and half. I feel I haven't done anything, but that's not true. I cleaned my room too, washed the floor and wiped all the dust, washed all cat's equipments etc. Why I still feel useless? Scale hasn't moved in three days, it kills me for sure.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Only Fool's hope
It's been eventful day - and totally different from what I planned. .. and sorry for possible, multiple grammar mistakes, painkillers and melatonin are messing up my head
I met my therapist as early as 10am, so I didn't have time to study in the morning. We talked about dreams and how my melatonin works, she asked about my studies and we ended talking about my disability to receive and more likely ask help. That wasn't too uncomfortable topic, all and all pretty talkable subject.
After that I was about to go in library to read for next 5 hours before I'd go to work. I called my friend to ask what place she would recommend, but she didn't answer and send an sms to explain that she was in a lesson and unable to pick up. I was like 'umm why are you at school, you are supposed to have morning shift at work?' and she replied that 'no.. I have evening' and I was like 'no.. my calendar says that I have evening, so who the hell is gonna open the store up in 40min?"
Then a terrible thought crept in my mind, What if I had mark my shift wrong and I was the one who should open?
I still can't believe what call of destiny had lead me in central railway station, right where the bus to work leaves, just that moment, because when I started running, I knew that the only bus would leave in 2 minutes, and I would be in deep trouble if I didn't make it.
I arrived at work just in time, still all confused. Come on, if I had tried to find that library on my own.. Some power in universe had it's hands in this. I made that call just that moment and I just happened to be where the bus was and I was there exactly right time. I had planned to take subway instead, but I didn't. I was there and then.
Well, that was all my good luck at once, next time some good happens will be after several months...
At work I did too much everything and got myself really beaten and sore and everything.. and I'm scared that the constant numbness in my left arm and sudden pains are more than just tensed muscles. I'm terrified I have heart-issues. My fingers got numb like once or twice in hour all day. That pain worries me. I hit my lowest weight this far today, maybe it's dehydration? I've been drinking too much diuretics and too little plain water.
Also food-wise it's been WAY too much carbs today. I've been feeling weak and out of breath all day because of that imbalance. AND I had something 900cals because of that freaking carb-bombed baguette.. Why do I keep eating too many carbs even I know they make me weak and shaky?
Daily nice thing: Sun was shining and the spring- clothes I had ordered 3weeks ago finally came and I was able to wear one today<3
I met my therapist as early as 10am, so I didn't have time to study in the morning. We talked about dreams and how my melatonin works, she asked about my studies and we ended talking about my disability to receive and more likely ask help. That wasn't too uncomfortable topic, all and all pretty talkable subject.
After that I was about to go in library to read for next 5 hours before I'd go to work. I called my friend to ask what place she would recommend, but she didn't answer and send an sms to explain that she was in a lesson and unable to pick up. I was like 'umm why are you at school, you are supposed to have morning shift at work?' and she replied that 'no.. I have evening' and I was like 'no.. my calendar says that I have evening, so who the hell is gonna open the store up in 40min?"
Then a terrible thought crept in my mind, What if I had mark my shift wrong and I was the one who should open?
I still can't believe what call of destiny had lead me in central railway station, right where the bus to work leaves, just that moment, because when I started running, I knew that the only bus would leave in 2 minutes, and I would be in deep trouble if I didn't make it.
I arrived at work just in time, still all confused. Come on, if I had tried to find that library on my own.. Some power in universe had it's hands in this. I made that call just that moment and I just happened to be where the bus was and I was there exactly right time. I had planned to take subway instead, but I didn't. I was there and then.
Well, that was all my good luck at once, next time some good happens will be after several months...
At work I did too much everything and got myself really beaten and sore and everything.. and I'm scared that the constant numbness in my left arm and sudden pains are more than just tensed muscles. I'm terrified I have heart-issues. My fingers got numb like once or twice in hour all day. That pain worries me. I hit my lowest weight this far today, maybe it's dehydration? I've been drinking too much diuretics and too little plain water.
Also food-wise it's been WAY too much carbs today. I've been feeling weak and out of breath all day because of that imbalance. AND I had something 900cals because of that freaking carb-bombed baguette.. Why do I keep eating too many carbs even I know they make me weak and shaky?
Daily nice thing: Sun was shining and the spring- clothes I had ordered 3weeks ago finally came and I was able to wear one today<3
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Such a good girl
I decided to apply in law-school once again.
Books were really expensive, I know my parents won't complain because it's for my future, but I'm still slightly embarrassed to make them pay those again.
So this far I have woken up at 7 every morning, tip-toed downstairs to make coffee and slice an apple. Then I get back up in my room, sit down in rocking chair and start reading. When I have something important (and partly interesting) to read, time passes quickly and apart from the apple I have liquid-fasted till 2pm. Too bad I tend to screw up on evenings.. I've eaten like 800-900 cals per day, and I can't be more clear about this one. I HATE family holidays and all that compulsory shitty eating.
..K, back to the books: the easiest topic - criminal law in 2010-decade. That book has lots of familiar terms and things - thank goodness, because the other book "juridical principals of insolvency" seems easy, but it's actually made to trick people to think it's easy, and for real it's complicated. That book I can handle too. But the third one.. why they always make the hardest also the thickest? "an introduction to obligation-law" .. I don't know if that's the correct translation, but anyway.
That book is going to drive me crazy, make me throw things around, trigger me and make me wanna burn it, but damn I'm gonna beat it! I will memorize every single law, principle, authority.. everything.
My motivation goes up and down like maniac, one moment it's up to 100 and second later I'm about to cry and think why am I beating myself to do this again. I have still managed to read 7-5 hours per day, but I have to get that amount up to 6-9.
Oh, and those melatonin-pills I got prescribed. I love them. They hit me like a hammer and last night I fell asleep less than hour after eating one. It simply did shut me down. Love it.
xoxo, Nikki
Books were really expensive, I know my parents won't complain because it's for my future, but I'm still slightly embarrassed to make them pay those again.
So this far I have woken up at 7 every morning, tip-toed downstairs to make coffee and slice an apple. Then I get back up in my room, sit down in rocking chair and start reading. When I have something important (and partly interesting) to read, time passes quickly and apart from the apple I have liquid-fasted till 2pm. Too bad I tend to screw up on evenings.. I've eaten like 800-900 cals per day, and I can't be more clear about this one. I HATE family holidays and all that compulsory shitty eating.
..K, back to the books: the easiest topic - criminal law in 2010-decade. That book has lots of familiar terms and things - thank goodness, because the other book "juridical principals of insolvency" seems easy, but it's actually made to trick people to think it's easy, and for real it's complicated. That book I can handle too. But the third one.. why they always make the hardest also the thickest? "an introduction to obligation-law" .. I don't know if that's the correct translation, but anyway.
That book is going to drive me crazy, make me throw things around, trigger me and make me wanna burn it, but damn I'm gonna beat it! I will memorize every single law, principle, authority.. everything.
My motivation goes up and down like maniac, one moment it's up to 100 and second later I'm about to cry and think why am I beating myself to do this again. I have still managed to read 7-5 hours per day, but I have to get that amount up to 6-9.
Oh, and those melatonin-pills I got prescribed. I love them. They hit me like a hammer and last night I fell asleep less than hour after eating one. It simply did shut me down. Love it.
xoxo, Nikki
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