The beginning

.. And what's beginning? I think I should light up my background at first.

So, I'm in my 20's and living in Finland, so I apologize for possible typing mistakes. My name is not Nikki of course, but that's the one I'll be using here.

When observing as an outsider, my life seems to be pretty normal; I have two part-time jobs, a horse and a cat, I have couple close friends and plenty of not so close ones. I don't have major problems with my family, I have some kind of plans for my future too. So what's the matter?

I'm not gonna go into details here, I wanna protect my privacy, but something must be explained. I've had serious problems in my relationships with people during all my life. I've been raped twice and otherwise abused. In my early teens I was really insecure about my appearance, cause I was bullied at school for being too good. I have always been the top of my class, and in that very school and class it wasn't a good place to be. When I was 13 I wrote in my diary for the first time "I'm fat" Not that I was, I was already at the lower end of normal, but then it began.

During 7 years I've been sliding from Ednos slowly to Anorexia, and when looking at bmi's, I've been anorexic for 2 years now. My bmi is 16.3 at the moment, and I'm not happy with that at all. I also have severe depression, GAD and tendency for panic attacks.

Everyone keeps telling me how good I look, how pretty and thin I am, they trigger me constantly with their words. Recently some people have started worrying over me, but I think that's understandable, I got triggered really, really bad during a job assignment in December and have lost serious weight since then.

Right now I'm trying to keep on living, eat my meds and stick with my diet the best I can.
Hmh, dunno what else to tell. Feel free to ask.
xoxo, Nikki