Some thinspo and stuff

To lighten up the background of my seldom updates: Two moths ago, my mom found out about my ED and we ended up having a hell of a fight. For the record, I'm a person whose emotions are easily affected, and mom mangaed to make me cry and feel so, so guilty, that in the middle of all the fight she made me promise that I tell my therapist and seek for more help. So, I told my therapist - she said that if I want to, she can arrange something with my doctor. She said that since I'm not a minor, I don't have to do anything or go anywhere unless I want to, but she recommented that I'd take a look, meet some people and then see how I feel. That didn't sound that bad - I can drop off whenever I want, and just stick with the theraphy and my other problems.
So now when my entrance exams are over, I had to go to lab to get some bloodwork and EKG done, and two weeks ago I received an invitation to ED-clinic. They sent a punch of papers and test to fill, but I'm not gonna do those until the 6th of July, the appointment takes place on 7th.
I'm slightly scared, but I think I can check it out, and then decide what to do.

To make it clear: I'm not ready to recover, or whatever that bullshit is called. If I go for it, it's only more lies and denial. I'm not gonna do something I don't want to just because my family/friends want. Those times are long gone.

I don't know if it's because of all this, but my relationship to food is getting more and more complicated - one day I was sure that food was going to kill me if I had to eat. I managed to talk myself to eat a bit, because I was alone at work. If I pass out at work, things get difficult, so I have to hang on.
And then, on last Friday and Saturday I binged a waaaaay too much, and since then I've gone back to eating only to stay up till sleeptime. My measurements are going down, but the scale moves about half a pound in 2 weeks, which is frustrating..

Today I've been only hunting for some thinspo, just to keep myself distracted from going nuts.. LOL.

this picture is really beautiful, imao.

Love, Nikki